Sunday, May 18, 2008

Birthday Party for a Whore

This morning in church, my pastor closed his sermon with this story. I happened to find it on the internet, and so I am sharing it here as well. It is from Tony Campolo's book "Let Me Tell You A Story":

If you live on the East Coast and travel to Hawaii, you know that there is a time difference that makes three o’clock in the morning feel like nine. With that in mind, you will understand that whenever I go out to our fiftieth state I find myself wide awake long before dawn. Not only do I find myself up and ready to go while almost everybody else is still asleep, but I find that I want breakfast when almost everything on the island is still closed–which is why I was wandering up and down the streets of Honolulu at three-thirty in the morning, looking for a place to get something to eat.

Up a side street I found a little place that was still open. I went in, took a seat on one of the stools at the counter, and waited to be served. This was one of those sleazy places that deserves the name “greasy spoon.” I mean, I did not even touch the menu. I was afraid that if I opened the thing something gruesome would crawl out. But it was the only place I could find.

The fat guy behind the counter came over and asked me, “What d’ya want?’

I told him, “A cup of coffee and a donut.”

He poured a cup of coffee, wiped his grimy hand on his smudged apron, then grabbed a donut off the shelf behind him. I’m a realist. I know that in the back room of that restaurant, donuts are probably dropped on the floor and kicked around. But when everything is out front where I could see it, I really would have appreciated it if he had used a pair of tongs and placed the donut on some wax paper.

As I sat there munching on my donut and sipping my coffee at three-thirty in the morning the door of the diner suddenly swung open, and to my discomfort, in marched eight or nine provocative and boisterous prostitutes.

It was a small place and they sat on either side of me. Their talk was loud and crude. I felt completely out of place and was just about to make my getaway when I overheard the woman sitting beside me say, “Tomorrow’s my birthday. I’m going to be thirty-nine.”

Her “friend” responded in a nasty tone, “So what do you want from me? A birthday party? What do you want? Ya want me to get you a cake and sing ‘Happy Birthday’?”

“Come on!” said the woman next to me. “Why do you have to be so mean? I was just telling you, that’s all. Why do you have to put me down? I was just telling you it was my birthday. I don’t want anything from you or throw me a birthday party? I’ve never had a birthday party my whole life. Why should I have one now?”

When I heard that, I made a decision. I sat and waited until the women had left. Then I called over the fat guy behind the counter and I asked him, “Do they come in here every night?”

“Yeah!” he answered.

“The one right next to me, does she come here every night?”

“Yeah!” he said. “That’s Agnes. Yeah, she comes in here every night. Why d’ya wanna know?”

“Because I heard her say that tomorrow is her birthday,” I told him. “What do you think about us throwing a birthday party for her–right here–tomorrow night?”

A smile slowly crossed his chubby face and he answered with measured delight.

“That’s great! I like it! That’s a great idea!” Calling to his wife who did the cooking in the back room, he shouted, “Hey! Come out here! This guy’s got a great idea. Tomorrow’s Agnes’s birthday. This guy wants us to go in with him and throw a birthday party for her–right here–tomorrow night!”

His wife came out of the back room all bright and smiley. She said, “That’s wonderful! You know Agnes is one of those people who is really nice and kind, and nobody ever does anything nice and kind for her.”

“Look,” I told them, “if it’s okay with you, I’ll get back here tomorrow morning about two-thirty and decorate the place. I’ll even get a birthday cake.”

“No way,” said Harry (that was his name). “The birthday cake’s my thing. I’ll make the cake.”

At two-thirty the next morning I was back at the diner. I had picked up some crepe paper decorations at the store and had made a sign out of big pieces of cardboard that read, “Happy Birthday, Agnes!” I decorated the diner from one end to the other. I had that diner looking good.

The woman who did the cooking must have gotten the word out on the street, because by 3:15 every prostitute in Honolulu was in the place. It was wall-to-wall prostitutes. . .and me!

At 3:30 on the dot, the door of the diner swung open and in came Agnes and her friend. I had everybody ready (after all, I was kind of the MC of the affair) and when they came in we all screamed, “Happy Birthday!”

Never have I seen a person so flabbergasted. . .so stunned. . .so shaken. Her mouth fell open. Her legs seemed to buckle a bit. Her friend grabbed her arm to steady her. As she was led to one of the stools along the counter we all sang “Happy Birthday” to her.

As we came to the end of our singing, “Happy birthday, dear Agnes, Happy birthday to you,” her eyes moistened. Then, when the birthday cake with all the candles lit on it was carried out, she lost it and just openly cried.

Harry gruffly mumbled, “Blow out the candles, Agnes! Come on! Blow out the candles! If you don’t blow out the candles, I’m gonna hafta blow out the candles.” And, after an endless few seconds, he did. Then he handed her a knife and told her, “Cut the cake, Agnes. You, Agnes, we all want some cake.”

Agnes looked down at the cake. Then without taking her eyes off it, she slowly and softly said, “Look, Harry, is it all right with you if I. . .I mean is it okay if I kind of. . .what I want to ask you is. . .is it okay if I keep the cake a little while? I mean is it all right if we don’t eat it right away?”

Harry shrugged and answered, “Sure! It’s okay. If you want to keep the cake, keep the cake. Take it home if you want to.”

“Can I?” she asked. Then looking at me she said, “I live just down the street a couple of doors. I want to take the cake home and show it to my mother, okay? I’ll be right back. Honest!”

She got off the stool, picked up the cake, and carrying it like it was the Holy Grail, walked slowly toward the door. As we all stood there motionless, she left.

When the door closed there was a stunned silence in the place. Not knowing what else to do, I broke the silence by saying, “What do you say we pray?’

Looking back on it now it seems more than strange for a sociologist to be leading a prayer meeting with a bunch of prostitutes in a diner at Honolulu at three-thirty in the morning. But it just felt like the right thing to do. I prayed for Agnes. I prayed for her salvation. I prayed that her life would be changed and that God would be good to her.

When I finished, Harry leaned over the counter, and said, “Hey! You never told me you were a preacher. What kind of church do you belong to?”

In one of those moments when just the right words came, I answered, “I belong to a church that throws birthday parties for whores at three-thirty in the morning.”

Harry waited a moment, then he answered, “No you don’t. There’s no church like that. If there was, I’d join it. I’d join a church like that!”

Wouldn’t we all? Wouldn’t we all love to join a church that throws birthday parties for whores at three-thirty in the morning?

Well, that’s the kind of church Jesus came to create! I don’t know where we got the other one that’s so prim and proper. But anybody who reads the New Testament will discover a Jesus who loved to party with whores and with all kinds of left-out people. The publicans and “sinners” loved Him because He partied with them. The lepers of society found in Him someone who would eat and drink with them. And while the solemnly pious could not related to what He was about, those lonely people who usually didn’t get invited to parties took to Him with excitement…

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Getting excitied....

....about the next installment in the Chronicles of Narnia movie series, Prince Caspian.

Here's a link to an interview on Christianity Today with Andrew Adamson, the director.

The Weight of the Story

Can't wait until May 16th! :-)

Sunday, May 4, 2008

How to Clean the Toilet (a joke)

This is simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash and rinse.'

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

The Dog

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Being "baptized" (a joke)

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat. He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work.

A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water. She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."

Friday, May 2, 2008

A new spiritual mentor for Obama

From the April 30th Values Voter Blog:

A New Spiritual Mentor for Obama

I sort of heard through the grapevine that Barack Obama might be in the market for a new spiritual mentor.

Maybe Obama would benefit a lot from giving Governor and former Pastor Mike Huckabee a call.

Mike doesn't have a church anymore, since he left the ministry long ago to become a state Governor for 10 1/2 years. But he's still very spiritual. And Barack might really benefit from a chat with him.

On the one hand, Huckabee seems to care more about Obama as a person today than his former Pastor, Jeremiah Wright, does. Obama's old mentor doesn't seem to like him very much. On the other hand, Huckabee has always been complimentary of Obama even though they have very different ideas on politics and policies.

Wright seems to be doing everything he can to nuke Obama's campaign and to introduce racism into a conversation where race previously hadn't been an issue. On the other hand, when Obama was at his lowest and most vulnerable point following the disclosure of the initial set of Wright's garbage rants, Huckabee took the high road and played peacemaker. While condemning the remarks themselves, the former Governor did not use the situation as an opportunity to pile on. And while not justifying Wright in any way, he encouraged people to try to understand the world from which he came, which is a world that Huckabee himself has some understanding of.

And it seems clear that Jeremiah Wright was spending so much time talking about conspiracy theories and America's wrongs that he might not have had time to talk about, you know, spiritual things. I'm betting Wright may not have spent that much time talking with Obama about the usual spiritual mentor topics ... God, the Bible, and things like that. Huckabee would make a much better mentor in this regard and can talk about both spiritual things and social issues at the same time. And Huck can do this without insulting anyone and without the need for prime-time coverage for himself.

And maybe while they're talking, Mike can share his perspective on Jeremiah 1:5 ("Before I formed you in the womb I knew you ...") or Psalm 139:13 ("you knit me together in my mother's womb"). Since Obama is so respectful of people who disagree with him on abortion, maybe this conversation will help him to rethink his "judgement" on the topic. After all, many more Americans have died as the result of abortion than in Iraq. And of all the things Wright has mentioned as being harmful to black people, abortion is hurting us more.

Huckabee can even give Obama some political advice on some practical matters, such as holding a multi-racial and cross-spectrum coalition together in places where it can be hard to form them. You see, Huckabee earned the support of 48% of African American voters in Arkansas - unheard of for a white republican in the very heart of Clinton country. Also, since Huckabee knows quite a bit about balancing budgets and about helping the people to be healthier and have better schools - all without taxing people to death - he might be willing to share his notes on this as well.

Obama needs change in the type of people who give him spiritual advice. He seems open to having a conversation that crosses the traditional political, racial and geographic boundaries. And since he has an opening for a new spiritual mentor, he could learn a lot from taking some advice from a man from Hope who has shown him a lot more kindness and courtesy than the other man from Hope (or others who are on "his side"). This guy is definitely conservative, but, unlike Wright, he isn't mad about it or about anything else. He's already been fully vetted. He has a lot of experience as a Pastor and has a lot of good advice to offer. The new guy doesn't act as if he thinks the whole world revolves around him. And he doesn't throw anyone under the bus.

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